Howdy folks,
It's that time of year again. Lists. Everyone who thinks they are a know-it-all about whatever it is they are into sits around brooding over the crème de la crème of this years offerings. Everyone channels their inner VH1 and brings you the infamous "best-of" list. Not me, no sir. I had my hatorade today, and I'm gonna bring you something a little different. So read the top image again and get ready cause we're diving right into this hot steaming pile. (
Note: These are theatrical releases only, there's tons of straight to DVD garbage out there, and it would have been more of a pain to compile this list, and it would have been a very boring list.)
20. Step Brothers
Yeah, so what if you liked this movie? I didn't...and who's blog is this? The initial movie poster was the best joke in the whole film. Granted, it had a decent supporting cast, and did fairly well at the box office...and will continue to do well in DVD sales...it still made me want to punch something. Particularly Will Ferrel's face, a lot. This movie is just proof to me that Hollywood knows you'll go out and see the same crap repackaged over and over.
19. 10,000 B.C.
I had the privilege of seeing this at the drive-in, which I think is the only way I was able to make it through the whole thing. Synopsis: British well spoken cavemen get attacked by vikings causing them to pursue to save tribe members. Main caveboy chases kidnapped cave girl through the antarctic into a jungle where vikings get raided by raptor bird things. Jungle then turns into a desert, where Incas are enslaving African tribesmen to build an Egyptian pyramid for some strange alien guy. Somehow it all turned out to not be totally awesome.
18. Punisher: War ZoneFor the last time...Punisher does not make a good film! If Dolph Lundgren couldn't pull it off in
1989
, no one can. Period. The remake didn't work either, and adding a bunch of crazies for him to kill for no particular reason in yet another adaptation won't help. Sure you're going to appeal to some xbox generation teen that wants to see some watered down schlocky pistol opera...but that's just cause he hasn't been educated on what a
real pistol opera
looks like. I'm on to you Lion's Gate.
17. Semi-Pro
Will Ferrel on the list again with another goofy hair cut, wearing another pair of nutsack revealing shorts with the same sack full of boring jokes that got old when he was on SNL. This time with Andre 5000 and Woody Harrelson, who should have left the b-ball on the set of White Men Can't Jump.
16. An American Carol
Spoof movies are getting really old. Especially in a world where remakes are the new summer blockbuster. This movie thought it would cash in making fun of Micheal Moore. Joke's on them though, they spent 20 million on a joke that only made 7. Ha ha. Look for "American Carol Movie" spoof in 2009, and me at the end of a noose.
15. The House Bunny
What could be better than making a movie about a bunch of geeky girls that want attention getting lots of makeovers by a former playboy playmate who encourages them to look like bimbos and be dumb? Spooning my eyes out, filling the sockets with cat nip and sticking my head in a box full of alley cats. How this movie flew under the radar of every feminist blog is beyond me, unless you take into consideration that no one actually watched this movie. Rightfully so.
14. Superhero Movie
At first glance you automatically want to dismiss it as one of the spoof movies by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. It's actually not, but it's just as boring. Throwing Leslie Nelson into the mix isn't guaranteed slapstick laughs...I mean, he's no
Dorf right?
13. Beer for My Horses
Three words for this movie: F*CK Toby Keith. This guy needs to get drawn and quartered by 4 horses he fed beer to. This is based on the Toby Keith song of the same name...yeah, a movie based off a retarded song?!? Let's put a boot in his ass, cause it's the American way! At least according to him, so hopefully he'll be cool with it. Under $700k gross nation wide...where's your precious CMT on that one Toby?
12. Mad Money
I don't even know what to say about this movie, or what these three ladies were thinking when they signed on to the project. They rob a federal reserve with a brilliant plan of switching the lock with one they found at home depot. The plan was so brilliant, they rob other places. Then they get in trouble, and they are so cute the courts let them off with a fine for the same amount of money they stole, and everyones happy. People actually write this stuff....
11. Surfer, Dude
Well I suppose some Hollywood exec has a huge boner for Matthew McConaughey and wanted him to star in a movie where he never wears a shirt. "It doesn't matter what it's about, we want him shirtless damnit!" So you end up with a movie about a stoner McConaughey as a surfer that hits financial crisis when there's a drought. Oh, there's also some nudity, pot smoking, and excessive use of the word "
bra".
10. Speed Racer
This mega-budget, vomit/seizure inducing thrill ride from the Wachowski's was a complete failure. Sure it had pretty colors...but so does spin art, and spin art doesn't cost $120 million to make. Also maybe the Wachowski's forgot that we didn't forget how they ruined the Matrix trilogy. They also probably forgot that basing a film on a fairly boring cartoon will make for a pretty boring movie...no matter how many live chimps you put in it.
9. Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Okay, so I didn't actually see this movie for fear that I might have projectile dook flying out of my ears in the theater. However, for the purposes of this list, I watched portions of it on the internet and did my homework. I took that bullet for you so I could report factually that watching or showing excerpts from this film is probably against the Geneva convention.
8. The Longshots
Hahahahahahaha. Remember Limp Bizkit? Yeah, that moron in the red hat directed this pile and cast Ice Cube as the lead role. Sweet fro Cube. Okay, I'll be honest...I feel kind of bad because this was based on a true story about the first African American female to play some sport. Doesn't automatically give you a free ticket for a good film Mr. Bizkit, you shouldn't exploit African Americans like that. Just go back to making music...on second thought, don't.
7. Death Race
This shoddy remake of the 1975 cult classic film Death Race 2000 was a long time in the making, but fell way short of potential greatness. The first one worked because there was a bull car, a giant knife car driven by Sly Stallone, a lion car, and a big lizard car driven by David Karadine calling himself "Frankenstein". This remake just put Jason Statham with a bunch of pretty boys in a Fast and the Furious meets Mad Max race track with full tanks of suck.
6. Meet Dave
As if Eddie Murphey needed another nail in his comedic coffin? His manager must really hate ole Eddie, or Eddie has just lost his mind. Maybe they thought that if a movie had more Eddie Murphey's in it, then the more funny it would be. Making a film isn't like making a freaking Turducken...you can't just stuff more Eddie's in a larger Eddie and make it more funny.
5. Meet the Spartans
I really don't know why they felt this would be a good idea. You know, I guess because Scary Movie(s), Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Disaster Movie were all cinema
gold pyrite. Crispin Glover was in it, that's got to be worth something right? Wrong. The fact that Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer have been allowed to continue making these films lowers my faith in humanity.
4. In the Name of the King - A Dungeon Siege Tale
Jason Statham makes it to the list again, poor guy. The only awesome thing about this movie is that it slapped Uwe Boll down about 40 notches where he belongs. For serious? A movie based on the video game Dungeon Siege? F*UCK UWE. Jason Statham has been really dealt a band hand this year, though he willingly picked up all those cards. This film rolled a +6 lame modifier.
3. Hottie & the Nottie
A manager at Burger King can make more money in a year than this movie did. (US Gross - $27.696 Vs
BK Manager)Who the hell did Paris have to blow to get this turd green lit? The Houston Chronicle determined that, based on box office receipts, an average of only 28 idiots per theatre saw the movie opening weekend...of those 28 I'm sure a few flipped a coin between this and
Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, or
Fool's Gold.
2. The Love Guru
::sigh:: Mike Myers. This goon hasn't had a funny moment since Kanye's "
George Bush doesn't care about black people" quip. He was comedy lord there for a moment, the world was his giant suggestive oyster carried on the back of a golden midget. Well guess what Mike? Your golden midget isn't funny anymore, poor Vern Troyer. Also, write a new joke damnit. If the incessant Austin Powers sequels weren't enough, you had to go and make the same character with a different stupid mustache. Just do me a favor and make a Sprokets movie already.
1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 
Okay, so you're probably wondering why this is number one on the list. It was the biggest disappointment of the DECADE, and it was more painful to watch that that growth on George Lucas' neck. 20 years of hype is a lot to live up to, and even the whopping $185 million budget on this sucker wasn't enough to save it from becoming a parody of itself. Bland, predictable, excessive, and "cute" were all things this movie was and shouldn't have been...yet we all went to see it to further line the pockets of that hideous neck monster, George Lucas.
- Danny Elfman (1992)
- Micheal Kamen (1986)
- Chuck Cirino (1986)
- Various (1990)
- Vince DiCola (1986)
- Boris Karloff & MGM (1966)
- Vince Guaraldi (1965)