Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Teen Vampire Sex Sucks....blood?

Howdy Folks,

It's no secret, I'm a sucker for vampires. Always have been, and probably always will be. Unless they make vampires totally sissy and wimpy...which I guess has just happened. Cue Twilight. This big budget adaptation of the first book from the series of tween romance novels by Stephenie Meyer makes me worry for the safety of our youth. Not because I'm afraid of vampires and werewolves preying on America's middle school students, but because STD's are a pain, and AIDs is a killer. I've never seen so much pre-teen sexual tension in my life! I almost felt like I should be arrested for statutory something just for buying a ticket to this movie. As if children need even more excuses to fiddle around with their underdeveloped parts, lets bombard them with a sexy 108 year old virgin that gets a head rush at first whiff of some pre-teen that's probably experiencing some of her first "cycles"...gag. What the heck kind of message are we trying to send? Also, who lets their 17 year old daughter just jump in a car and drive across the country unsupervised? Sheesh.

Let's talk about the movie though, since I'm really just covering the ridiculous aspects of the story. Considering this very easily could have been a cgi fx romp, it surprisingly focused little on super powers and special effects. However, when Edward did actually start jumping around and climbing trees it looked fairly laughable, with little or no grace that Bella supposedly couldn't stop creaming over. The acting was awkward and uncomfortable; I blame the screenplay and source material for this one. Lines that make you coo in a romance novel don't ever translate over to the real world without a little bit of hilarity...not even the fake real world of Hollywood. This was no exception.

Perhaps my biggest moment of rage came when (excuse me for I haven't read the books) Edward felt the need to show Bella "his true form", I'm guessing out of fear she wouldn't like what he really looked like. I mean, rightfully so Edward...you're a blood sucking hellspawn right? Wrong. What can you do to make a vampiric creature whose soul is eternally damned and cursed into a life of darkness more appealing? Well, instead of bursting into flaming painful death when exposed to sunlight...just dip him in glitter! Yep. This guy looked like someone assaulted him with a bedazzler...cause I guess girls still go nuts for that shit. Thanks 1974.

So if you have never been a fan of vampire lore, of werewolf lore...check out this movie. If so, you'll be spitting milk out your nose through most of the film...and you don't even need to be drinking any. Also, if you're over the age of 30 and a male...don't go see this alone, you might get arrested for something. That or all the parents picking up their kids after the movie are going to give you some realllllly dirty looks.


Anonymous said...

excuse me?r u mentally retarded? let me tell you, TWILIGHT and NEW MOON are amazing love stories and are ment for TEENS. thats why there reated T, FOR TEENS..get it? its not ment for kids that are like six..and im sure if the parents took them to see the movies, they would go too. and the older kids,and adults, are most likly mature enough to hadle the EMOTIONAL or SEXUL CONTACT SENES. because that is the way people show love for one another...and making fun of,or harrasing the people who like it, maybe youll never experince that. im 13 and i can handle those EMOTIONAL parts...there not that bad,maybe not where you live,but they teach you about sex in 6th grade. so if you cant get it write dont post.
by the way,did you say that you have not read the book?or books?
thats your prob right there..you dont even know the story,so SHUT IT!
bye jack ass
(and yes i cussed,is that imature too?well too bad):>

The Boom Operator said...

Thanks for your kind words Anonymous. I'll have to keep in mind your points when I go see another movie that's "reated T". Perhaps I really won't be able to understand how 13 year olds handle their "emotional parts" these days, and frankly from a legal standpoint it's better that way. However, I'd like to think as I human being that was also 13 once, now older and more experienced, I'd have a little insight on how people show love for each other...and maybe I'm wrong, but from my experiences it's not taking naps in the woods and giving each other strange looks for hours and flying to Italy to have some Vampire rip your head off when you have a disagreement.

I do appreciate you reading my blog though, perhaps you'll get turned on to some films that really do challenge you to look outside whatever valentines candy tie in they can muster at the moment. Thanks for reading and for sharing your input!