Teen Vampire Sex Sucks....blood?

Howdy Folks,

It's no secret, I'm a sucker for vampires. Always have been, and probably always will be. Unless they make vampires totally sissy and wimpy...which I guess has just happened. Cue Twilight. This big budget adaptation of the first book from the series of tween romance novels by Stephenie Meyer makes me worry for the safety of our youth. Not because I'm afraid of vampires and werewolves preying on America's middle school students, but because STD's are a pain, and AIDs is a killer. I've never seen so much pre-teen sexual tension in my life! I almost felt like I should be arrested for statutory something just for buying a ticket to this movie. As if children need even more excuses to fiddle around with their underdeveloped parts, lets bombard them with a sexy 108 year old virgin that gets a head rush at first whiff of some pre-teen that's probably experiencing some of her first "cycles"...gag. What the heck kind of message are we trying to send? Also, who lets their 17 year old daughter just jump in a car and drive across the country unsupervised? Sheesh.

Let's talk about the movie though, since I'm really just covering the ridiculous aspects of the story. Considering this very easily could have been a cgi fx romp, it surprisingly focused little on super powers and special effects. However, when Edward did actually start jumping around and climbing trees it looked fairly laughable, with little or no grace that Bella supposedly couldn't stop creaming over. The acting was awkward and uncomfortable; I blame the screenplay and source material for this one. Lines that make you coo in a romance novel don't ever translate over to the real world without a little bit of hilarity...not even the fake real world of Hollywood. This was no exception.

Perhaps my biggest moment of rage came when (excuse me for I haven't read the books) Edward felt the need to show Bella "his true form", I'm guessing out of fear she wouldn't like what he really looked like. I mean, rightfully so Edward...you're a blood sucking hellspawn right? Wrong. What can you do to make a vampiric creature whose soul is eternally damned and cursed into a life of darkness more appealing? Well, instead of bursting into flaming painful death when exposed to sunlight...just dip him in glitter! Yep. This guy looked like someone assaulted him with a bedazzler...cause I guess girls still go nuts for that shit. Thanks 1974.

So if you have never been a fan of vampire lore, of werewolf lore...check out this movie. If so, you'll be spitting milk out your nose through most of the film...and you don't even need to be drinking any. Also, if you're over the age of 30 and a male...don't go see this alone, you might get arrested for something. That or all the parents picking up their kids after the movie are going to give you some realllllly dirty looks.