Thursday, October 09, 2014

Children of the Corn: Episode II

Now that's what I'm talkin' about! That's the shit right there! Now we're back on track. Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (something tells me that title will end up being ironic) perversely gets the party started again by doing exactly what cheap, throwaway sequels usually do - dumb things down and gore things up. Given that the first Children of the Corn didn't have a lot to offer, I think this was a delightful turn of events. As a side note: fuck anybody who hates the 90s, especially contrasted to a blanket approval of the 80s. I think this dumbass sequel is a great rebuttal to claims that the 80s were fun and unselfconscious while the 90s were too steeped in dull seriousness and irony. CotC2 was a blast of lurid goofiness, and I do enjoy when movies are good at being stupid.

He Who Twerks Behind the Rows gets a lot more proactive in this installment, offing a couple of newshounds in the first few minutes exclusively via corn - a brotha gets his throat slit by shuck and a douchey anchorman gets impaled via high-velocity cornstalk! To reiterate: that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. The plot follows where #1 left off, with time seemingly compressed (or ignored). After the death of Isaac and Malachi, erstwhile leader of the kiddie cult, the surviving Gatlin children are ported over to neighboring Hemingford, which has a saucy B&B owner with a Bridget Fonda bowlcut and two identical, histrionic old ladies. But anyway, in lieu of Burt and Vicky, we now have Dipshit and Dipshit Jr., bickering idiots traveling to Hemingford so Dipshit can write for his tabloid about the strange events.

About 1.3 minutes in, He Who Gets Jiggy Behind the Rows possesses one of the kids, Micah, who'll astute viewers will remember is Donovan from Only the Strong (or not), and bades him commit hilarious murders around town with the aid of the best Dimension Films CGI 1992 had to offer. Oooooh yeah. The Dipshit gang battles Micah and his corn-minions, who start dispatching the residents of the town, including both old ladies via inspired references to The Wizard of Oz and Gremlins (wheelchair-rocket through a window). Dipshit, with the help of a Magic Indian named Professor Red Bear (can't make it up), turns the tables on Micah's gang and runs over him with a thresher, although not before the demon un-possesses him, which means our heroes murdered an innocent kid. Uh...

All in all, this was a good time. Most of the profundity the first film tried to push is either abandoned or taken to comical extremes in this sequel, and it gives me hope for the next thirty films I have to sit through.

The Gaffer's Rating: 2 Corn Totals out of 4.

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