Thursday, October 16, 2014
Children of the Corn: Episode IV
Naomi Watts? Word? First Academy Award winning Charlize Theron is in one of these movies and now NayNay? Well, apparently this franchise is a springboard for imminent success as a young actress. And Naomi is actually the main character in Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering, not to be confused with Highlander but occasionally to be confused with The Gathering of the Juggalos.
Naomi is vexed when all kids all develop simultaneous flus (as in, they have the same temperature at the exact same time), yet no one informs the news or CDC. Then kablammo, all the kids are pipers in the pied. Exactly what this accomplishes is up to interpretation, but all the kids act creepy as Josiah presumably murders around town some more, including a particularly funny dispatch of the old doctor via gurney-guillotine!
Guess what else I remember about this one? Nothing. It's fucking boring and dreary in that awful direct-to-video way. But I guess NayNay unearths the sooper-secret that Josiah is the bastard son of a local lady who became a popular child-preacher who was then fed mercury in order to keep him from aging....science! So Josiah murdered his fellow white-collars and was..."given to the darkness" by locals but for some reason also burned alive. That's his origin?! A deleted scene apparently identifies Josiah as He Who YOLO's Behind the Rows, but I call bullfuck, not that any of this makes enough sense to warrant dispute. NayNay kills him and embraces her own bastard sister-child, or possibly sister-wife. I forget, and so should you.
The Gaffer's Rating: 1 Corn Fritter out of 4.
Posted by The Gaffer