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So you like giant monsters? You like dudes in loin-cloths? How about hot babes that never die? Do you have a chip on your shoulder about authority? Enjoy video games based on movies? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, then you've been targeted as the primary demographic for Clash of the Titans. Let me start by saying LISTEN BRO! THIS AIN'T YO GRANDMAW'S TITANS!!! We're bringing this shyt XTreme! None of that plot driven narrative or pussy love story crap. We're gonna take this old sissy greek crap and make it extra Greek. We're talking SEC greek. This film is chock full o' guitar riffs, thin dialogue, weak character development, and RADICAL MONSTERS! HELL YEAH DUDE!
As a big fan of the original, I'll be the first to say the special effects didn't exactly leave me with tight pants or anything, but there was a very unique charm about the original film that came from the sum of its parts. Not just the sum of its bitchin' monster fights. That's why the movie has stayed relevant and worthy of a remake all these years. The original didn't need to rely on monster fights to keep you to the end because it had a coherent story line. Something that this, and many remakes like it, completely toss out the window. There was a scene in this new version that, in my opinion, summarizes the approach of this remake. Perseus is gearing up for his adventure, pulls Bubo (a gift originally created by Hephaestus to aid him on his journey) and is all like "Man this is stupid" and tosses it on
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Ancient super heroes. Ayup. That guy got millions in funding by pitching "ancient super heroes" to some ass hat in Hollywood. The worst part? IT WORKS. Like gangbusters. How is it two additional movies were green lit before anyone stopped to see how well this one would do? Easy. Giant Monsters. Hollywood knows we all lap big budget monster-jerk films like it were mana from the gods (no pun intended). Another disturbing thing about this film is it's shoddy attempt at post-production 3D, which leads me back to my on-going rant (listen to the podcasts) about studios just trying to find ways to milk every buck out of you without actually trying to create quality cinema. This film is a clear look at every way that Hollywood is trying to abuse and take advantage of us, the audience. Let's take a look at some elements that made this movie eff'ing stupid:
1. Persus doesn't even know Andromeda...so why the bloody hell does he even give a crap about saving her, and why would I? She is such a minor part of this story that I'd be right up there pushing her down
2. Calibos. This dude was the epitome of a-hole for Perseus in the original. The reason for his torment, the captor of his squeeze, and a true hater of Zeus. Sure he didn't actually occur in mythology, but as the son of Thetis he certainly drove
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3. "I wanna do this as a man". Yeah, we heard you Pers. You don't have to repeat it 50 times during the film, especially SINCE YOU AREN'T A MAN AND NEVER WILL BE. Let me tell you something ding-bat, MEN don't do ninja moves when they touch a sword for the first time. Nor do they do a 400 foot swan dive, swim
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4. Arabian nights. So what the f*** was up with the Djinn all runnin around in the desert with our Greek bros? I mean, we're crossing mythologies here guys, and blatantly. The Djinn were created by Allah, and without going into a history lesson, were essentially trickster demons that weren't cool enough to be angels. Yet here they are, talking to scorpions so Perseus could mount up on one like a boss and roll on through the dessert on a caravan full of giant arachnids. Oh and PS...they can blow themselves up like The Predator and Medusas gaze doesn't hurt them. You know, the gaze that can stop anything, even the mighty Kraken.
5. Pegasus. In the words of the Highlander..."There can be only one". Pegasus was created by Poseidon. They don't run around in the forest eating daisies and
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6. Medusa lives on an island, damn it!Since when did Medusa live in Hades? I mean, why the hell would she have statues of soldiers all trying to attack
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I could continue on about the many ridiculous elements in this movie that were thrown is with utter disregard to great story telling, but I've already written an essay on it, and you've probably stopped reading already. Or should by now. See this movie if you want, but you ain't missing anything if you don't.
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