Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Greek Monster Fight! (otherwise known as Clash of the Titans)

So you like giant monsters? You like dudes in loin-cloths? How about hot babes that never die? Do you have a chip on your shoulder about authority? Enjoy video games based on movies? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, then you've been targeted as the primary demographic for Clash of the Titans. Let me start by saying LISTEN BRO! THIS AIN'T YO GRANDMAW'S TITANS!!! We're bringing this shyt XTreme! None of that plot driven narrative or pussy love story crap. We're gonna take this old sissy greek crap and make it extra Greek. We're talking SEC greek. This film is chock full o' guitar riffs, thin dialogue, weak character development, and RADICAL MONSTERS! HELL YEAH DUDE!

As a big fan of the original, I'll be the first to say the special effects didn't exactly leave me with tight pants or anything, but there was a very unique charm about the original film that came from the sum of its parts. Not just the sum of its bitchin' monster fights. That's why the movie has stayed relevant and worthy of a remake all these years. The original didn't need to rely on monster fights to keep you to the end because it had a coherent story line. Something that this, and many remakes like it, completely toss out the window. There was a scene in this new version that, in my opinion, summarizes the approach of this remake. Perseus is gearing up for his adventure, pulls Bubo (a gift originally created by Hephaestus to aid him on his journey) and is all like "Man this is stupid" and tosses it on the ground. These remakes are all about dollar signs, not story telling. Find something that did well once, appeal to legions of nostalgia starved fans, package it up and gear it to a bunch of morons, then start making sequels. You don't need me to tell you this though, let's see what the director himself said in a recent interview with MTV (via the plans for sequels before the movie even finished it's first weekend in theaters:

"I'm not saying I know what exactly will happen to Perseus in the next two movies, but I know the direction and it's pretty exciting," he said to MTV about the Sam Worthington's character. "It's ancient superheroes!"

Ancient super heroes. Ayup. That guy got millions in funding by pitching "ancient super heroes" to some ass hat in Hollywood. The worst part? IT WORKS. Like gangbusters. How is it two additional movies were green lit before anyone stopped to see how well this one would do? Easy. Giant Monsters. Hollywood knows we all lap big budget monster-jerk films like it were mana from the gods (no pun intended). Another disturbing thing about this film is it's shoddy attempt at post-production 3D, which leads me back to my on-going rant (listen to the podcasts) about studios just trying to find ways to milk every buck out of you without actually trying to create quality cinema. This film is a clear look at every way that Hollywood is trying to abuse and take advantage of us, the audience. Let's take a look at some elements that made this movie eff'ing stupid:

1. Persus doesn't even know why the bloody hell does he even give a crap about saving her, and why would I? She is such a minor part of this story that I'd be right up there pushing her down Clover's The Kraken's mouth with the rest of the city that has already lost hundreds of lives for that wench. However, according to another interview, producers felt that "love" was too faggy of a reason to battle the gods, so they decided to change it to "revenge" instead. Bravo.

2. Calibos. This dude was the epitome of a-hole for Perseus in the original. The reason for his torment, the captor of his squeeze, and a true hater of Zeus. Sure he didn't actually occur in mythology, but as the son of Thetis he certainly drove the plot of the original story. So if you're going to completely cut out his whole origin, reason for hating the gods and overall potency...why keep him in the new one? Seems pointless to me, cause his character in this remake is barely screen worthy, past having one more piece of meat to spin a sword at. Oh, and his hand turns in to a scorpion(s).

3. "I wanna do this as a man". Yeah, we heard you Pers. You don't have to repeat it 50 times during the film, especially SINCE YOU AREN'T A MAN AND NEVER WILL BE. Let me tell you something ding-bat, MEN don't do ninja moves when they touch a sword for the first time. Nor do they do a 400 foot swan dive, swim literally hundreds of feet below the sea, catch up with a falling princess and drag her ass out from under an avalanche, meet up with your pops who is the ruler of the Gods, reunite with your immortal babe girlfriend and ride away on a flying horse.

4. Arabian nights. So what the f*** was up with the Djinn all runnin around in the desert with our Greek bros? I mean, we're crossing mythologies here guys, and blatantly. The Djinn were created by Allah, and without going into a history lesson, were essentially trickster demons that weren't cool enough to be angels. Yet here they are, talking to scorpions so Perseus could mount up on one like a boss and roll on through the dessert on a caravan full of giant arachnids. Oh and PS...they can blow themselves up like The Predator and Medusas gaze doesn't hurt them. You know, the gaze that can stop anything, even the mighty Kraken.

5. Pegasus. In the words of the Highlander..."There can be only one". Pegasus was created by Poseidon. They don't run around in the forest eating daisies and breeding in the springtime like happy ponies. Also, seeing as how the directors went ahead and included a little herd of white Pegasusueses (Pegasai?) having Perseus ride one of those white sissy ponies like a huge pussy wouldn't cut it, so they decided to strum some guitar chords and cue a huge black kick ass Pegasus to come rolling down from the sky being all like "Whaddup Pers, hop on this back and let's go 'eff up some Kraken, bro."

6. Medusa lives on an island, damn it!Since when did Medusa live in Hades? I mean, why the hell would she have statues of soldiers all trying to attack her that just so happened to crash into her lair on THE OTHER FREAKING SIDE OF THE RIVER STYX? She wouldn't. That's why she lives on an island in the ocean. I suppose giving her a 30 ft snake tail and making her live in a hot lava pit is more awesome to bust your CGI nutt with.

I could continue on about the many ridiculous elements in this movie that were thrown is with utter disregard to great story telling, but I've already written an essay on it, and you've probably stopped reading already. Or should by now. See this movie if you want, but you ain't missing anything if you don't.

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