Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Howling: Episode V

Side note: Woo-hoo, we're past the halfway point!

So, after re-booting the series (I guess), The Howling V: Re-Birth (whaat? stop re-ing shit and move on with the narrative or call the movie something else!) we travel to Hungary where, 500 years before the events of the film, we see a knight and his lady in the midst of a castle massacre. Knight-dude mumbles something about the "curse being ended with all our deaths" then harakiris right through himself and the lady. Impressive! But in their death throes they hear a baby crying and are all like, "Nooo! Damnit! The baby got away!" What? Did they just forget about the baby before their Jonestown misadventure? Did the baby crawl away and hide? I mean, how would the baby get out of the castle anyway? Hello? Is this thing on?

Anywhoops, skip ahead to 1989 where a dozen or so stylish assholes are arriving for a special, super-secret tour of a castle in Hungary. The tour is guided by a mysterious count who has brought a seemingly random selection of actors, athletes, and who-gives-a-shits together for...reasons. They get stranded in the castle by a blizzard and suddenly things get Scooby Doo. One by one, the guests start disappearing, courtesy of a lurker-werewolf among the guests. Mr. Count has brought all the of descendents of the escaping baby (the massacre was meant to end the curse, natch) in the hopes of sussing out and killing the secret werewolf.....what? How is only one of them a guaranteed werewolf, and why was it necessary to bring everyone to the same place? Why not just go Terminator on them individually instead of creating a mystery dinner-party? Hello?

So, none of this makes what could marginally be called sense, but I feel like Howling V has us back on track after the bumblefuckery of Part IV. Yes, it's terrible, but mostly a fun-terrible. I liked the castle-setting and the hokey premise; it made the movie feel like Alien in a castle with a watered-down whodunnit thrown in. Oh! And every time (seriously, every time) the werewolf gets somebody this hilarious stinger music plays: "Santoos! SAAAANTOOOOS!" Kinda reminds me of the "Toasty!" guy from Mortal Kombat II.

The one thing this movie really lacked was goddamned werewolves. I swear, Parts IV and V have had a firm commitment to not showing the thing their franchise is premised on. Forshame.

Courtesy of here.

The Gaffer's Rating: 1 out of 4 Snausages.

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