13 Films that prove it isn't worth it on Valentine's

Howdy Folks,

Looking for a few movies to rent this evening so you can snuggle up in bed with that special someone? Look no further. Gentlemen, if you'd like no better than to show your lady how much of a thorn in our crotches sides they really are, make sure you've picked up one of these babies from your favorite rental establishment. Better yet, pick one of these up anyway and remember why it is you're sitting at home this Thursday watching LOST stuffing your face full of double cheese Krystals wondering who in the sam hell "Jacob" is.

I present (in no particular order)
13 Movies That Prove It's Not Worth It On Valentines!
(Why 13? Cause I'm not VH1 damnit! I don't have to work in round numbers for you.)

1. The Karate Kid: 2 (1986) - After you single handedly bringing down the evil cobra kais, what does your girlfriend do? She dumps your ass for the star QB, and then what? You have to fly to the other side of the world to find a date in Okinawa, where all girls like tall gaijin. Think it'd be that easy? Hell No. After battling a tsunami, some angry karate guy gets pissed at you for making eyes with this dame and challenges you to a fight to the death. Women just don't appreciate the hoops we jump through.

2. Better Off Dead (1985) - Girl dumps guy, guy tried to kill himself A LOT. Has to ski down the break neck K-12 just to get her attention, finally realizes that girls suck. Obtains happiness...also has sparks with a foreign exchange student. Proving AGAIN. American gals suck. Also proving that being desperate and pathetic is really cute only in the movies, and when played by John Cusak.

3. Very Bad Things (1998) - Christian Slater and John Favreau show us that marriage is more trouble than it's worth, and usually ends up in a life time of misery or even multiple homicides. The plot twist at the end? Totally predictable. The wife, whom they are trying to keep all this a secret from, ends up being more of a homicidal maniac than all of them put together. Go Figure.

4. The Last American Virgin (1982) - A tale that isn't afraid to stop sugar coating things for chubby nice guys everywhere...because guess what? We They do finish last. Plot: Nice guy likes girl who likes his asshole friend. Asshole friend knocks up girl and splits, nice guy is there for her and pays for her abortion, he thinks things are going well, only to walk in on her and that asshole making out at a party. Tears. End Credits. Sound familiar?

5. Trust(1990) - A great film by Hal Hartley that shows us that dating "the one" can lead to you losing your job, getting beat up by your drunken father, sexually harassed by your girlfriends mom in an attempt to get you to break up, and ultimately leaving you in your former work place with a grenade because you've had it with all this shit, hoping that maybe the world will just let you do what you want. Sorry. You end up going to jail anyway leaving your significant other watching you drive off in the back of a police car. End Credits.

6. Conan The Barbarian (1981) - Oliver Stone and John Milius show us that if you're going to be the king of any sort of Age, then falling in love just doesn't work out. Pretty soon you'll have some snake cult leader realize your weakness and shoot your broad with a poison snake arrow thing leaving you bitter and cold for the rest of your days. At least revenge fills the heart as well as, if not better than, love.

7. The War of the Roses (1989) - Here we have Danny DaVito showing us how a marriage can be foiled by greed. Your baby lives in your swank mansion and she then starts to wonder if the grass is greener...like women have a habit of doing. However, she still likes the house and is willing to fight for it....with knives and murder plots. Of course as male your hate eventual rekindles your love for her and in your moment of death together you reach for her, only to find her pushing your hand away. Typical.

8. Oldboy (2003) *spoiler alert*- In this film we are reminded why you should never fall in love with girls you meet in restaurants. More often than not, it usually turns out to be a ploy by a childhood enemy trying to abduct you and trick you into falling in love with your own daughter as revenge for peeking on him in elementary school. Then you cut your own tongue out. I see too many relationships go sour like this...damn shame really.

9. Death Becomes Her (1992) - A perfect look at how the ladies can get so caught up in vanity and jealousy when competing for another man, that they actually don't care about the man at all. Same old story you know? Girl drinks elixir to become immortal to look better so she can steal her ex husband back, then other girl tried to top it. Then they just carry on through eternity trying to look better than the other one making the poor man have to patch them up every time they blow a hole or cut a limb off of each other, till he grows too old and meets his eventual death. Of course, by this point the girls are buds. You see it every day...

10. Army of Darkness (1992) - Handsome, witty, strong? Doesn't matter. Your girl from last time turned into a zombie and you had to chop her to pieces, think things can't get worse? So you meet a cute and innocent peasant girl, then what? Well of course she gets seduced by your evil undead twin who has a sweet skeleton army, do you have one? You'll just end up having to give her a first rate pike job in the tummy, and she'll never believe it hurt you more than it hurt her.

11. Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) - Even with Rupert Everett's charm falling in love can sometimes lead to a strange journey into your own sub conscious causing you to go on killing sprees pretending you're the angel of death and lamenting the loss of some chick you killed cause you thought she was undead. Then just like a girl, she'll tease you from beyond the grave haunting you with various super hot images of herself, convince you to chop your wang off, then run away with another man.

12. Fa yeung nin wa (aka In the Mood for Love) (2000)- What's worse than having a significant other that travels a lot on business but is secretly having an affair? Having a neighbor who's significant other travels a lot on businesses and has secret affairs with your significant other that travels a lot on business. Then you and your neighbor start to figure it out and your own flame develops, but you both are too chicken to leave your partner or even do the horizontal mambo and spend the rest of your life regretting it.

13. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) - You probably don't realize how sad of a movie this really is do you? Sure Robin Williams can dance around like an old woman for you to get your jollies, but stop and think about what is going on in this film. A free spirited man gets pushed around by his wife to a point where she leaves him and takes the kids away. She won't let him see the one thing he cares about most, driving him to madness and causing him to dress and pretend to be a house keeper while his ex wife goes and fools around with 007 himself (Pierce Brosnan). Even in the end when he makes up for his follies, the best that old wench can do is let him have limited visitation. A "feel good comedy" my ass.

Welp. Hope you have a wonderful "holiday" and remember there are plenty of good movies to rent at the video store that AREN'T on the new release wall!


yes, that's me.